A Funny Perspective on the Colonoscopy

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

.... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenteritis, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and star t eliminating food that you
have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be
enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

W hen everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.

Ahh, I am such a kid, but I Heart Poop Jokes! Work Poop Survival Guide

This is an oldie but goodie, I love this joke about work poop. Work poop jokes are good for so many of us with Crohn's Disease. Humor helps! Have a great memorial day weekend all. I have to go Crop Dust! (see below).

Work Poop Etiquette We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk In and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave And come back again. Be careful not the become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going to the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal Or forcing a poop in a stall. This usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release and ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant the Poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: This happens when you walk form the stall, to the sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

SAFE HAVENS: This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when talking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe‑tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear and ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: This is a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO‑COUGH.

CAMO‑COUGH: This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very Effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

HAVANA OMELET: This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO‑COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This individual spends extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as the others in the building.

Embarassing Crohn's and Work Story - Unbelievable

So this morning I get to work about an hour early as normal. I fold up the sports section of the Orlando Sentinel and put it my back pocket. I then begin my casual stroll to the bathroom. "Nothing to see here folks, not going poop..just minding my own business..."

So I read about all of the NFL news, wash my hands, check my face out in the mirror for any leftover toothpaste or zit cream, and walk back into the office. I stroll through the hall of our accouting department and give a half-hearted, monday morning hello to the ladies. I see our COO walking down the hall and she is looking at me funny.

From about 20 ft away, I see this look...then she asks me what is that....At this point I notice that I have toilet paper (from lining the seat) stuck in my pants. And n0t 5 sheets. I double it up on the seat, so I had a good 15-20 sheets trailing down my pant leg like a tail. It was so long that about 2 sheets are touching the floor!!!

She starts cracking up and says, "OH, this is going to be a good one Scott." As I snatched it out of my pants, I calmly replied that I was throwing myself a ticker-tape parade to start the beginning of the week!

Wow, what a Monday. I love Crohn's disease and poop stories. Unfortunately this one is VERY true!